Change my Heart
- Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Tonight I'm suddenly feeling the need to type a diary entry. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed and blessed by God's love.
These few days, I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. It made me realise how flawed I am. Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing. By realising my flaws- I can improve myself as a person. Everyday, I wake up to encouraging messages from you guys. You thank me for helping you grow as a person and would even sometimes describe me as 'inspirational' and even 'role model' material. While this is very flattering and makes me feel very grateful, I know deep inside what I'm like. God knows too. I'm just not as perfect as some of you view me. I just need to get this out there and straighten things out.
As human, we all have the tendency to fall. We judge people, lie and can be selfish and greedy. It's one thing if we have an opinion but when we turn that thought into an act- it can cause hurt. The Bible says the mouth is like a spark and a spark can set fire to a forest. The mouth can be destructive. While I try not to say bad things- sometimes I still have the thought in my mind. So even though I'm not saying out the words and not hurting others, I realise I am still hurting myself because inside; I'm thinking these bad thoughts.
These few weeks, I've just been feeling empty hence uninspired to film etc. There's nothing going wrong in my life, in fact everything is falling into place nicely. I couldn't understand. Why the despair? I'm at a point in my life where I'm actually accomplishing goals but why doesn't that make me happy? The answer is because real happiness doesn't come from status and possessions. My sister visited me for the weekend. I remember she used to scold me for being too busy. I wondered "How can I be too busy chasing my dreams?". I realise as human, we have too much pride to admit we are wrong. She always told me to slow down and spend more time with the Lord...but I take Him for granted. I only seek for him when I'm free or troubled.
The more I read James from the Bible, the more I feel like it's talking about me. Why does my life seem so distracted now? It's almost as if I've turned arrogant because all I think about is myself now. I think about my relationship with God and it's all about ME ME ME.
So I try to make up for it by doing good deeds by giving back to charities but I still didn't feel right inside. I realise I just need to spend more time praying. He only wants my heart afterall. Why was I so foolish to forget this?
So I've been praying and repenting for my sins. I pray that He will shine light on areas of my life that needs working on. I had been feeling empty lately despite everything was going well. I couldn't understand why. I felt like God was suddenly far from me and when I felt distant from Him, I felt lonely and helpless. I questioned why He would distance Himself from me and I realised maybe this is His way of making me seek for Him again.
I know I've been very blessed for everything that's happened these few years. Chasing success can cause people to become greedy, corrupted and selfish. Even though I try my best to be humble, I find myself boasting at times where I should be humble. Sometimes it seems like I'm not boasting because I act humble but inside- I'm loving the attention. So I pray to God and ask for strength. I pray for Him not to give me what I'm asking unless He wants me to have it. Whatever that's stoping me from being close from Him, just take it away from me so I will learn.
Instead of asking for myself, I ask that He will use me to do things He wants me to do. Tonight, I'm going to wash my hands and it will be a symbol of me purifying my heart. Change my Heart Lord.
Some of you reading this might think I'm over exaggerating but I'm really not. I'm so glad I'm seeing my flaws. If not, I would continue to be blind and continuing to sin by lusting over earthly desires. So what if I'm reaching goals and going places? God doesn't care about how rich or accomplished we are. He loves every single one of us the same.
Whether you disagree with me or not, I want to tell each and every single one of you out there. Jesus loves you very very much. When you draw yourself close to Him, He will draw Himself to you. If any of you guys out there feel lost out there. Just pray. You don't have to be intellectual or good with words to pray. Just speak to Him as if He is your best friend or Father. You can Trust in Him.
My brothers and sisters, please don't be fooled by earthly possessions. Wealth and status eventually fades away. They are all temporary forms of joy. There's nothing wrong with having a good life because God gives us gifts to enjoy life. It's when we become obsessed with earthly possessions that it becomes greed. Seek to Jesus Lord for He is the way and the light. I'm going to finish off my night by singing this song out aloud.
If God can create the huge universe with millions of stars... How can you think He won't be able to solve your problems? Have faith.
I never really knew how to read the Bible. It always confused me because it is a combination of different books with different authors are different times. But if you are starting off, I recommend you to read 'James'. It's a short book but it's wonderful and wise. I just started Proverbs and now I know why they say the Bible is a living book. It's ahead of time and will speak to you depending on your life's situation.
I know some of you out there will have opinions and obviously I respect this too. We all have opinions. I hope you guys respect mine too. I am not ashamed to show my faith because I'm not scared to.Typing this doesn't benefit me in anyway. I'm doing this because this is my diary and I want to shine God's glory. Nuff said ^_^.
Praise the Lord,
Much love, Bubz xx