Heart 2 Heart
- Tuesday, 04 October 2011
It is almost 2AM (sings "baby yoooouuuu breaking my heaaaartttt" tehehe.. insider kpop joke) and I just got home from supper with the boyfriend.
Today I put work to the side and just relaxed and did a little bit of reading. I spent most of the day going through everybody's picture entries on facebook. I want to thank you guys now because the pictures made me so emotional. Thank you so much for inviting me into your life and introducing me to your loved ones. I got to see your boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, grandparents, parents, cousins, neices, nephews, best friends, pets, EVERYTHING you name it. So many pictures spoke to me and inspired me. It will be sooo difficult judging the winning entries but bear with me ok guys? I want to thank you guys anyway because they seriously made my day. I had a not-so-great week (don't we all?) and I was just feeling tired emotionally and physically. Your pictures really refreshed me and really made me realise the little things in life that makes life worth smiling for.
Why was I low-ish? For silly reasons. There are so many things to smile for. I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me laugh constantly, I have the cutest puppy in the World, I'm healthy and I'm living in Hong Kong one of the greatest cities* in the World. We are so blessed but why are we sometimes the last person to realise this?
I have a confession to make with you guys. I am 24 years old (this is not the confession lol) and I probably earn more than the average wage of a person my age. I managed to buy a property in Hong Kong at the age of 24 so you could say things are going well financially for me. I'm not sick rich but I make enough for me to live very comfortably. I am very blessed. But suddenly, I've felt this pressure on me.
Youtube was a place for me to have fun and share fun ideas. Now it has famously become a platform for opportunities. Without me even expecting this, it has become a career for me as well because it provides an income now. I enjoy Youtube a lot because I get to learn so much and become inspired by you all but... it has now become a job right? Mind you, I'm not complaining because if this is a job- this is my dream job. You kidding? I'm paid to do something I love? But suddenly the expectations of having to have a video up every 5-6 days has begun to pressurize me. Lately, I started to feel tired and uninspired. I started to think "What happened to the days when I used to wake up with an video idea and bursted with excitement to film?". These days I would wake up and have a brain pickle from trying to think of ideas and inspirations. I can't really describe this "expectation pressure" but I guess I let it rule over me for the past several weeks. Youtube has given me so many opportunities but I miss the care free me too. I can have fun again right? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself right?
I'm going to take a step back. Back go to the basics. I'm going to let the ideas come to me and slow myself down. Nobody is forcing me to do all this but myself.
I watched some of my Bubbiosity videos today and I literally laughed myself to tears. I saw myself looking carefree and silly. I haven't had a new Bubbiosity video because... again- expectations stop me from doing so. I'm worried people won't find it funny. People expect my videos to out-laugh the other... I'm gonna put this aside. I'll work at it. I wrote a script a few weeks ago but I'll go back to it. Why shouldn't I give it a chance?
I'm gonna concentrate on my Bubbiosity channel for the next few weeks. I know Halloween is here so I'll still do a few tutorials (Fairy, Geisha and Misa Amane looks) but I want to focus on having fun again.
I let the stress of "needing to fulfill" work commitments get to me. I'm gonna take it easy. I'll still be here but hopefully I'll be less tense.
I was talking to Tim the other week and he said we should go somewhere end of the year for my birthday. I know I literally just returned from New York not long ago but I think I really need this holiday. I was in New York to work and when I was in Europe- it was with Tim's family. I just want a little getaway with my better half for inspiration =). I don't spend my money on designer. I don't need buy flashy things. Honestly, my mum says I'm stingy because I won't even buy myself a designer handbag. All my bags are hand-me-downs lol. However, I will spend for life. I rather use money for an amazing traveling experience than a handbag. The reason is because I know we only live once in this World and I want to make the most out of it as possible. I know some people have made remarks about my continuous traveling. Does it really matter? Does it bother you so much that other people are enjoying life and you are not? I guess there are a few misconceptions about me that got me to recently. Does my happiness bother people so much? Some people are seriously happier to see other people go down and it saddens me. But everytime I am close to a bitter thought, I just tell myself "God really loves me. He loves me so so much that He died for me. BUT I know He also really loves this person. Even though this person is trying to hurt me, I mustn't treat/think that person wrong. If God can accept that I have flaws, why can't I accept this person has faults too?" so I force myself to change my way of thought.
Those people who say I have been a sold out for my brushes? You serious? The brushes are from my own brand. How can I be selling out to my own brand? Every person would want their brand to do well because blood, sweat and tears is put into it. I can't afford expensive advertising so is it wrong me to use my brushes in my videos? I don't force anybody to buy my brushes with a gun. Some people just don't want to see others do well. Instead of inspiring them, it fuels them with bitterness. Is it worth it? When you are good to others, you are best to yourself. I mean it when I say these words and if people think it's fake. What can I do? It's their problem. This wasn't an explanation to them. It's an explanation for the ones that mean to me.
By the time I got to the end of this post, I really am asking myself why was I down for? Life is great right now. The Lord has truly blessed me and I can't ask more. I shouldn't be so focused on work. I should focus more on the Lord and doing what He wants me to do. Afterall, everything I have right now isn't mine. It's all His.
I want to tell you guys this because you guys mean a lot to me. I confide and lean on you guys more than you think. You guys are so wonderful and I am so grateful. So if there are misconceptions about me- I want to talk to you guys and reassure you because you aren't just viewers to me. Your trust means a lot to me. Thank you 1049342343 x infinity for everything guys. I'll always owe you. But today, I want you to think about the little things in life that makes life so amazing. For me, it's:
My hot cup of coco I had this morning
Taking an awesome refreshing shower and being squeaky clean
Kiss from the boyfriend every morning
The random midnight wonton supper
Watching my fave sitcom on TV
Skype group chat with my friends (Annie, Tim, Yummy and Beni)
Ps. Since my last 'Ask Bubz' post, I've recieved soooo much more christian related questions. Some questions are REALLY big and I'll need help before answering but I'll try my best yeah? ;)
Ok- off to watch the latest eps of Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. After, I'll do a little reading before bed time.
Have an awesome week guys because you deserve it.
A lovely subscriber did this for me and this is how I feel right now. Bursting of energy, happiness and love. I have so much to give.
Much love, Bubz xx